The TOTALLY backwards day at Hogwarts School
by Ginger Granger
Summary: The title says it all.. Rated for weird, weird stuff. Think what EVERYONE in Hogwarts would be like if they were acting opposite, then read MY version right here!!
1. Harry Begins to Freak Out

The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter 1: Harry Begins to Freak Out  
  
Author's Note: Um, I warn you, this is weird.   
  
Ah, a Monday. In the boys' dorm of Gryfindor House, Harry awakens and groggily gets up to go to breakfast.  
  
"Hello, R--" Harry stopped short and his mouth fell open.  
  
"R-Ron, is that you?" Harry asked to a boy with brown curly hair working busily on a Muggle Laptop and about five books propped around his plate.  
  
"Of course I am. Who else?"  
  
That wasn't excactly true...  
  
"You're hair's.. brown."  
  
"Why, yes, it is. How observative, Harry!" He wasn't sarcastic self anymore, as he usually was.  
  
"But your hair's curly? And you've got a Muggle computer? And where'd you get all those books? You got rid of your freckles? Are you nuts?!"  
  
"My answers, in the order of your questions, are yes, yes, at the wonderful little shop in Hogsmeade, yes, and no. Well, at least I hope it's no. Macademia or pistacho, Harry?" Ron chuckled dignantly.  
  
Harry's eyes went all weird and, you know, bugged out and stuff.  
  
"You're weird." Harry shook his head to get the idea of Ron Weasley going to a bookstore instead of Zonko's out of his mind, and turned to where Hermione usually sat.   
  
"'Morning, Herm-- Ginny?!" He was facing the back of a straight-haired red-headed girl. She turned around."  
  
"Honestly, Harry, you should get your glasses fixed. I'm Hermione, duh! By the way, who does your hair? Albert Einstien?!"  
  
Harry chose to ignore that.  
  
"Uh, where's all your homework, Hermione?"  
  
"Homework? Oh yeah, homework. Forgot it."  
  
"But you've never-- what are you--?" he stared at Hermione.  
  
"Take a picture, it'll last longer.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HERMIONE?!" Harry screamed.  
  
"Shut up, Harry, people're starting to stare. So I dyed my hair, straightened it, penciled on some freckles, and--"  
  
"Forgot your homework!!"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"So?" Harry said ludicrously. "So?! SO?!?!?! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?" Harry roared.  
  
"Considering you're in it, probably."  
  
"GRRRRRR!" Harry growled. He stormed away and ate alone.  



	2. Severus Snape: Beauty King.. er, Queen.

The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter 2: Severus Snape, Beauty King.. er, Queen.  
  
A/N: Um, okay. So I was hyper and.. I use this in loose sense (because I frequently tend to loose my sense) *creative*. ^^;; Just read it already, will you?!  
  
In potions class, things got even worse. Snape was putting on bright red lipstick and popping his lips.  
  
"Do these robes make me look fat?" he asked sincerely to Draco Malfoy. Snape posed himself in different directions.  
  
Draco Malfoy looked Snape up and down with his hands on his hips and his lips pursed. (Did I mention Draco now had black hair, green contact lenses and a fake scar tatooed on his forehead?!)  
  
"You go, girl!!" Draco said. He slapped Snape a high-five and took his seat.  
  
At this point everyone was sitting down. Snape had opened a compact and was putting some purple (yech) blush on his pale cheeks. He looked up!  
  
"Oh!" he said. He looked at his pearly pink watch. "Class time already!" He put his hands with long sickly ruby-red nails up to his cheeks. "Fashionably late, you know," Snape said with a giggle.  
  
Harry looked around, confused, at Malfoy, who was putting age-defying cream on his nose. Malfoy looked up and flutted his greasy, nasty, deformed, messy, and other synonyms for disgusting mascara-covered eyelashes at him and smiled with bleached teeth.  
  
"Hey, gorgeous," Malfoy said. "What are you doing tonight?"  
  
Harry screamed.  
  
Malfoy pouted.  
  
"What's up with you, girl?" Snape said. "Ohhh, I see. Don't worry, I got a cream that'll cover that pore right up."  
  
"I don't need one!!" Harry said.  
  
"All right, girl, but you come back if it gets worse."  
  
Harry growled and muttered something about orange juice.. I think..  
  
"Whatever!!!" Snape leaned forward and giggled maniackly (?) with his tongue protruding in and out of the space between his teeth (ick all the girls who think they're so cool around where I live do that 24/7)  
  
"Today we make a face mask!!" Snape said in a person who had too much coffee this morning voice. Not to mention, a... you guessed it.. pink (who knew??) bra strap (who knew?) (hee hee, I did) was visible inbetween his collar and his robes.  
  
"This is used mostly by Muggle-wuggles," he continued, "but that's okay!! Mix some avocado, lemon juice..." and Snape went on and on, everyone but perhaps Harry (too busy edging his desk away from Makeover Malfoy), Ron (Who was looking up Avocados on his laptop and typing furiously quickly), and Hermione (Who, well, was mimicking Snape, even though no one noticed).  
  



	3. Minerva McGonagall: Beauty Queen.. No, w...

_The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter 3: Minerva McGonagall, Beauty Queen.. no, wait, that was the title of the other chapter..  
  
_A/N: Sorry the chapters are getting so short... hope you like cliffhangers!  


  


Next was Transfiguration. Harry walked down the hall, Hermione discussing how Snape was an ugly git, and Ron asking Harry if he knew the average radius of a cumulus cloud at a 137 degree angle from the sun at approximately four in the afternoon in mid-fall.  
  
Harry could just picture McGonagall.. in her normal loong black robes and her black hair tied into a tight bun at the back of her head and a stern look on her pale face. Oh yeah, and the glasses. Hopefully she's still sane, Harry thought.  
  
How very wrong he was.  
  
He walked in and took one look at McGonagall anf fell on the spot.   
  
"_AGH!_" he screamed. "_MY EYES! MY EYES!!!_"  
  
McGonagall was.. quite different. Flowing long black robes? I think not. Red mini-skirt with a white top with red words plastered right across that certain part of her chest one would normally get yelled and scolded at for looking there said **BOYS AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT TROUBLE!**. Black hair in a tight bun? Wrong. Long white-blonde veela-ish hair loose and all about. Stern look on her pale face? Looks more like three pounds of makeup and a.. weird.. grin thingy.. oh, and some gum. Green gum. I like gum. (I also like putting short unnecessary sentences in the middle of my fic.)  
  
"A'ight, clay-uss," she said in a Brooklyn accent inbetween gum chewings, flecks of spit escaping her mouth with every syllable. "Like, tsuhday we make a hai-ma turn intso a nay-uhl. Jus' way-uve yo-wehr, like, lil' wandy-thingy and say, like, 'lanotremah', and like, if it doesn' werk, oh well. I'll be ovuh heyuh, umm, yeah." She began filing her nails.  
  


_TRANSLATION TO EVERYTHING McGONAGALL JUST SAID FOR YOU NON-NEW-YORKERS:_  


  
"All right class," she said in a Brooklyn accent inbetween gum chewings, flecks of spit escaping her mouth with every syllable. "Like, today we make a hammer turn into a nail. Just wave your, like, little wand thingy and say, like, Lanotremah, and, like, if it doesn't work, oh well. I'll be over here, umm, yeah." She began filing her nails.  
  
And McGonagall stayed there, not saying anything, until the bell rang.  
  
"Umm, uhkay, like, boi-boi," she said when she heard the bell, not looking up.  
  


_TRANSLATION:_  


  
"Umm, okay, like, bye-bye," she said when she heard the bell, not looking up.  
  
Little did she know Harry was on the floor for the whole period rubbing his eyes. He woke up and followed the class out.  



	4. A Taste of Colin, Fred, George, and Sata...

_The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter 4: A Taste of Colin, Fred, George, and Satan  
_  
Author's Note: Yeah, I tried not to make it too religious and, um, yeah. *laughs like a maniac*  
  
"Yo," said a husky deep voice. A shadow had fallen over Harry.  
  
"Harry looked up. And up. And up some more. He backed up a little and squinted. Then he backed up a little more again and stood on his toes. (enough suspense yet?) After that he took a drink of Coke and wiped his forehead and coughed and went out to the store and bought some platforms and came back and then...  
  
"Who, um, are you?" Harry asked.  
  
"Harry, Harry!" the massively deep voice said. The masculant figure shook their head. "Don't you remember me?"  
  
"Hulk Hogan?" Harry asked.  
  
The almighty person sighed and smacked his forehead with a bulked arm.  
  
"No, Harry, it's _me_!" It boomed. "_COLIN!_"  
  
Harry stammered. "No.. It's not Colin.. Just a nasty dream.. No.. This isn't true.."  
  
Colin slapped Harry on the back. "Hey, buddy, where've you been the last year?.. Harry?.... Harry, are you okay?"  
  
Harry swayed on the spot.  
  
_FLUMP._  
  
Oh yeah, and then he fainted.  
  
Harry wakes up. "Thanks for the _sympathy!!_" he yells at me. Then he resumes his faintedness.  
  
When Harry awoke, some time later, he was in Colin's arms in the Great Hall. Colin was rocking him gently and singing Rock-a-Bye Harry.  
  


_"Rock-a-bye, Harry, in Hogwarts School,  
Slytherins stink and Gryfindors rule,  
I slapped you a little hard and you began to fall,  
and do-own came Harry, spellbooks and all."_  


  
Harry could not believe what was happening. He knew everyone would be laughing at him. Quite the contrary. Everyone was going "Awwwww" and "How _cute!_" like they were all his mother. Only Hermione was rolling on the floor laughing.  
  
Harry jumped out of Colin's arms and sat down regularly at the table, spite Hermione still cracking up rolling on the floor, with a color on her face somewhere in-between a tomato with a sunburn and purple Uncle Vernon with rouge on.  
  
Fred.. George.. please.. play a trick on me.. turn me into a chicken.. SOMETHING.. and fast..  
  
"Whatever are you talking about?" asked a tall thin boy.  
  
"Fred, please, don't lose your trail of advanced thought," a small fat boy said.  
  
"George, I downloaded it onto the memory database," the tall thin boy said.   
  
"Oh, no," Harry said, feeling his forehead. "WHY did I have to do that.. God, why is this happening?"  
  


**_IN HEAVEN_**  
  


Satan looks down from heaven on poor demented Hogwarts and answers Harry's prayer. See you in hell, Harry.. I mean, heaven.. yeah, heaven.." He looks behind him, where 2 devils are taking turns banging on God's head with a squeaky toy mallet.  
  
Harry gets down on his knees and screams "_NOOOOOOOOOOO!_" while the camera slowly backs out of the scene, you know, like in those dramatic movies. K?  



	5. You take the dull axe and I'll take the ...

The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter 5: You take the dull axe and I take the sharp axe...  
  
A/N: Reader discretion advised for animal cruelty and funny mental images.  
  
So, Harry, being as stubborn as he is, failing to realise that when he needs help that that person has turned opposite, decided to go to the *helpful, kind, mild* (THINK OPPOSITE PEOPLE!!) headmaster, Dumbledore.  
  
Harry walked down near the dungeons to Dumbledore's office, thinking how happy he would be after he reasoned with Dumbledore.  
  
Harry heard unintelligible noises and cooing. He entered the office and began to cough and splutter. Dumbledore was smoking a cigar, and McGonagall was sitting, cross-legged, on his desk. They turned quickly.  
  
Dumbledore was clean-shaven, not just under his nose and on his face but all over his head.  
  
"What are you doing here, boy?" Dumbledore barked crossly.  
  
"Oooh, uhh.." Harry looked around, confused, at the pictures of women wearing little or no clothing plastered all over the walls and then to Dumbledore, wearing a leather jacket and jeans and black shoes. "Never mind." He shut the door and left, heading down to Hagrid's.  
  
He heard the chopping of an axe inside. He must be cooking, Harry thought.  
  
He knocked on the door and a two or three foot tall Hagrid answered in an unusual terribly BOLD high-pitched (since he's small) Scottish accent. (Sorry, I always imagined him like a mild Scottish Accent/Pirate accent person).  
  
"Whut deeu ye whunt, boi?!" (Translation: "What do you want, boy?!") Hagrid shouted as he opened the door. Harry saw immediatley that Hagrid was NOT cooking-- he was chopping up a Hippogriff.  
  
I don't have a better way to say it, (well I probably do but I like this way better) but Harry barfed on the spot.  
  
"Ouh, noyce!" Hagrid yelled. "YE ROO-IND MA SHOOZ!" (Translation: "Oh, nice!" Hagrid yelled. "YOU RUINED MY SHOES!")  
  
Harry stared up-- I mean, *down* at Hagrid. "You've been wearing those "shooz" for the past four--"  
  
"DUNT TELL MAY WHUT I HAF AND HAFENT BIN DOO-IN, BOI!" Hagrid screamed, red-faced up at him. (Translation: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT I HAVE AND HAVEN'T BEEN DOING, BOY!")  
  
Hagrid didn't shut the door but walked inside, stood up on a chair to reach the counter and continued slicing the poor hippogriffs. "KEEL DE EE-VILL HEEP-OH-GAREEFS!" He shrieked, banging the axe repetetively. (Translation: "KILL THE EVIL HIPPOGRIFFS!")  
  
Then, Hagrid, without notice, threw the axe squarely at Hagrid's head. Harry jumped 5 or 6 feet in the air to avoid it and the world paused like in the Matrix, and the camera rotated 360 degrees, taking, like, 7 seconds (Harry fixing his hair and wiping his robes) and then the axe missed him.  
  
Hagrid fetched the axe and took it back in to continue chopping hippogriff guts.  
  
"Hey!" Harry shouted at him. He was still frozen in his jump. "I'm still up here! Get me down!"  
  
But Hagrid wasn't listening; he was singing. "Yoo tayk the dool axe, an' all tayke the shahrp axe and all slaw-terr heep-o-greefs before ye.." (Translation: "You take the dull axe and I'll take the sharp axe and I'll slaughter hippogriffs before you..")  
  
"Hey!" Harry said. "Maybe I can fly like this!" he flapped his arms. "OOF!" then he fell and got a boo-boo. He didn't know what else to do. So he started to wail helplessly!! Yay!!  
  



	6. The Return of Snape and Some Other Peopl...

The Totally Backwards Day at Hogwarts School  
Chapter 6: The Return of Snape and Some Other People  
  
A/N: A nice long one for you people who are in demand of more chapters!  
  
Well, that was a waste of afternoon break.  
  
Harry stopped wailing and got up. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an ancient muggle artifact: the Band-Aid (or, as Mr. Weasley called it, the Ban-Daib). He stuck it on his knee where his scrape from the nasty impact (6 whole feet! *gasp*) and went inside Hogwarts to his next class: Divination.  
  
Harry passed the real Ginny in the halls. She looked normal! Harry went over to talk to her.  
  
"Hullo, Ginny," Harry said cautiously.  
  
"Hi, Harry. How've you been?" Ginny asked as if they were good friends.  
  
"Um, good," Harry lied. "And you?"  
  
"Perfectly normal."  
  
Harry sensed something missing. Ah, yes. He knew what it was. She wasn't blushing or being the shy Ginny she usually was. He casually put his hair behind his ear and stretched his arms. "I'll say," he said.  
  
Ginny looked at him blankly. "What's the matter? Have you got an itch?"  
  
Harry thought this was going in the correct direction. "Er, yes," he said. "But, I can't seem to reach it."  
  
Ginny looked at him as blank as she did prior to that moment. "Er, well, use your wand."  
  
Harry looked for an excuse. "I.. left it.. in the last, um, class."  
  
Ginny finally realised what Harry was looking for. "Are you flirting with me?"  
  
Whoops.  
  
Harry put his arms down. "Er, no, why would I do that?" he said quickly.  
  
"So then you're saying I'm not good enough for you?" she shot back fiercly.  
  
"No, I--" he strongly sensed the personality of Moaning Myrtle creeping up on him. "No, you're beautiful, I just--"  
  
That cut it.  
  
"You can think what you want! I am not attracted to you, Harry Potter!" Ginny shouted back. She forcefully whipped about and continued to her next class.  
  
Ron rushed over to Harry. "You've got to see!" he said. "Mrs. Norris has her own classroom!"  
  
"Is she teaching?" Harry said boredly, expecting the unexpected.  
  
"No! Come on, Harry!" Ron dragged Harry upstairs and round the corner into a classroom. Students were lining up to pet the cute, fuzzy orange Mrs. Norris, who was playing with a ball of yarn on her back in such a way that screamed out, "PLAY WITH ME!"  
  
"I'll pass!" Harry said, panicked, and shot off to Divination.  
  
He raced up the stairs and realised how unusually warm it was. That fire in her class is going to melt all of us, Harry thought. He climbed up the ladder to get to the class.  
  
He felt no heat. He smelled no perfume. He saw no squashy chairs. It was a regular classroom, the fireplace was boarded up, and a Muggle Air-Conditioner hung on top of the mantel. A middle-aged normal-looking woman with normal brown hair and normal robes stood there. Harry assumed that she was--  
  
"Professor Trelawney!" Harry moaned.  
  
"My, it is hot out, isn't it?" she said. The class had assembled. "I've put in this muggle hair-solicitor into the wall instead of that red-hot fireplace. We'd be in blazes if we didn't have it on."  
  
Harry's eyes grew wide.  
  
Professor Trelawney walked over to him. "Harry," she said, "I am really quite sorry about all the Death Omens and Predicted Deaths I made you go through. You will not die anytime soon. My true inner-eye sees you dying like this.. You are in a---"  
  
Harry couldn't believe what she was saying. It was so unlikely that Harry thought Professor Trelawney to ever say something like that it was almost.. funny.  
  
"Stop," Harry said quickly. "I don't fancy knowing how I am going to die, or when, or where.. I.. have to go to the bathroom."  
  
And he ran out of class.  
  
He passed Boring Binns' class-- but it didn't look too boring today. Binns was juggling 3 midget goblins while balancing on a Welsh-Green Dragon and was wearing a pink tutu.  
  
"And this," Binns was saying, "is how the Goblins had fun! Fun, fun, fun! They enslaved a witch or wizard and dragon to juggle them! Fun, fun, fun!" The dragon growled and gnawed on Binns' non-existent feet.  
  
He walked into the Herbology corridor and peeked into Herbology class. Professor Sprout was sneaking Mandrakes into all of the students' bags while they were in the greenhouse, grinning and cackling.  
  
Harry did not like this day at all. He hid in a Potions' cabinet-- which, of course, now had fruity-scented perfume and makeup, painted (All: PINK! We know that already!) all over, with a huge mirror in the back. Oh, well. That was as good as it was going to get.  
  
After a few minutes, someone opened the cabinet-- Snape! He reached inside the cabinet and with a bunch of poofs and weird noises and smells, Snape looked like a grotesque doll.  
  
"Harry!!" Snape said. "Hello there!!" Snape kissed both of Harry's cheeks and left large lip-shaped red marks. "You're back for the pore cream!! I know it's around here somewhere--" Snape pushed Harry aside and opened a large cabinet. "Like, aha! Here it is!!" It was a small bottle of clear stuff. Snape smothered it all over Harry's face. "Just in case, 'kay?"  
  
Harry spit out some of the stuff that got into his mouth.  
  
"That pale color isn't you," Snape said, shaking his head. He took out another bottle of that 5 minute tan stuff that basically just dyes your skin orange, opened it, and sloshed it on Harry's face, splattering his glasses, and Harry couldn't see. Snape rubbed the stuff into Harry's skin. Harry took his glasses off and was about to wipe them on his robes when--  
  
"Oh, right!!" Snape exclaimed. "We don't want to leave nasty glasses-marks there!" He sloshed some more goop on Harry's eyes, bridge of his nose, and sides of his head.  
  
Harry wiped his glasses on his robes. "Stop it!" he said to Snape. "I'm outta here!" and he ran away, tracking orange gunk on the floor.   
  
Snape called "'Bye, darling!" and a second later, Harry ran into..  
  
Gulp.  
  
  



	7. Willy Wonka and Marvelous Myrtle

The Totally Backwards Day in Hogwarts School  
Chapter Seven: Willy Wonka and Marvelous Myrtle  
  
It was horrible. It was gruesome. It was.. Filch.  
  
Filch wasn't looking so glum. Quite the contrary. He had a blue jacket with tails and fancy blue trousers and a top hat. He looked just like that character in a Roald Dahl book, Willy Wonka.  
  
Willy Wonka?!  
  
Harry gazed open-mouthed at Filch. Filch gazed down at him smiling grandly, swinging his cane.  
  
"The Candy-Man can!" he sang. "Who can take a rain-bowwwwww," he continued. "La-la-la-la-laaaaaaaa, (I dunno the words, only a few) The Candy-Man can! Yaay!" he looked at Harry. "Run off to class, run off to class! Always remember the candy-man can!" And he skipped off singing.  
  
Harry looked at his watch. Only one more class, then Dinner, then bed. Today was a rough day. He walked across the hall and managed to bump into someone else. Harry looked up to see who it was. And then up some more. He backed up and squinted, a large tall figure... Could this be the real Hagrid? Harry thought. No, he asserted, it can't be, there's no beard.. Can't tell really.. Sorta foggy all the way up there.  
  
"Er, hello, Professor, er, ah.."  
  
"Harry!" boomed the deep voice that reminded Harry of the Verizon man in the commercials on TV. "Respect your elders! I, Professor Flitwick, assign you one detention, tonight, ten o'clock sharp in the library. You will be helping Madam Pince realphabetise the section on Potions."  
  
"Yes, Professor," Harry said boredly. Flitwick nodded and walked away swiftly.  
  
Harry groaned. He hadn't thought of Madam Pince yet! He wondered what she'd be like.  
  
Half an hour until his last class, which was Defense Against the Dark Arts. They hadn't met their new teacher yet. Oh well. He didn't know what else to do. He went down to Moaning Myrtle's.  
  
The Out-of-Order sign was still there, but when he opened the door, he wasn't quite sure that this wasn't a working bathroom like it was supposed to be. The tiles on the floor were light pink, the sinks a striking while marble and faucets of silver. The mirrors on the walls were very large with thick frames of rose quartz. The stalls were composed of a light pink porcelain and the locks were pure stainless steel of a silvery color. The walls, a swirly pink-colored stucco form. The ceiling matched the floor. Everything was so clean you could see one's face off of it.  
  
Except, the room's noises were so different. Ah, yes. It was silence. No one was crying. He heard a faint humming in the background. He knocked gently on the only closed stall, feeling if he rapped too loudly he would disturb the peace in the bathroom.  
  
"Yes?" a voice answered sweetly and politely.  
  
"Er-- it's me, Harry," Harry said timidly.  
  
The stall opened, and Moaning Myrtle stepped out.  
  
"Moaning Myrtle?" Harry said weakly.  
  
Moaning Myrtle looked different. She had long straight blonde hair and she was taller. She looked a whole lot prettier but positively the most noticable difference of all-- well, the second most noticable if you happen to be a boy-- is that she was smiling. "Oh, hello, Harry!" She gave him a hug. "I don't go by that name anymore, if it's all right with you," she said. "I now go by Marvelous Myrtle."  
  
Harry looked at her, dazed. "Marvelous Myrtle," he said dreamily. He had a short vision of them skipping in a field but was brought back to earth by her call.  
  
"Harry? Um, Harry, are you okay?" she asked.  
  
"Oh.. yeah..." Harry said, waking up.  
  
"How's your day been?"  
  
He looked at her for a second deciding whether or not to tell her about his day. He decided quickly and spent the rest of the half-hour sobbing on her shoulder telling her about her day while she sat there not understanding any of the words he was speaking.  
  
  
  
  



	8. Defense Against the Dark Arts, Detention...

The Totally Backwards Day at Hogwarts School  
Chapter Eight: Defense against the Dark Arts, Detention, Depression  
  
Harry stopped sobbing and Myrtle gingerly wiped his damp cheeks with a frilly handkerchief. Her hand was cold as ice. Harry didn't care. He smiled weakly up at her and she returned it.  
  
Myrtle looked over at Harry's watch. "You've got to get to class, haven't you, Harry?"  
  
Harry looked at his watch too. "You're right, goodbye, Myrtle!" he opened the stall to walk out and she blew him a kiss. He blushed scarlet.  
  
Harry made his way up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. He found a middle aged man with blonde hair and brown eyes, but otherwise looking very normal. He could be Trelawney's husband, Harry decided.  
  
The class assembled fully a minute later and the man looked up. "Hello, class," he said. "I am Professor Milasia, I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher from now on. Today we learn a simple Shield Charm, protecting you from various mild curses, hexes, and whatnot," he continued. He caught Lavender and Parvati sharing an intelligent (for once) conversation and snapped at them to not talk while he was, which strongly reminded him of McGonagall.. The old, McGonagall, of course.  
  
He was a normal teacher they would probably have for the rest of their time at Hogwarts. Harry shuddered to think so.  
  
He taught them the simple charm and they headed off to dinner.  
  
Talk about intelligent conversations. Ron was talking so quickly about things so impossible that Harry's brain ached. He was hungry, too. He didn't have breakfast or lunch. He grabbed some of everything he could reach and tasted it. It was horrible! He spit it out and decided he'd rather starve than eat that.  
  
He went back to the dorm room for a few hours, then at 9:50 he went down to the library for his detention. A jolly Madam Pince greeted him as a skulky Madam Hooch, the Quidditch teacher, exited the library.   
  
He began to organize the books, and there were a lot.   
  
It helped that she was jolly but she was sure lazy and tired. Harry was up to organizing "L" when Madam Pince, on the other side of the bookshelf, fell asleep standing up and leaned into the shelf. It fell and Harry was it's victim.  
  
What a bad day poor depressed Harry is having.  
  



	9. The End, but in HP4 the last chapter was...

The Totally Backwards Day at Hogwarts School  
Chapter 9: The End, but in HP4 the last chapter was called The Beginning but that is just weird and The End makes more sense.  
  
Harry woke up. He saw a red-headed figure standing above him. He was surely in the hospital wing.  
  
"Hermione, what are you doing here?" Harry asked the figure.  
  
"Take a look at this, 'Mione!" Ron's normal voice called. "Harry really HASN'T noticed you're a girl in three years!"  
  
"At least he hadn't woken up calling his Auntie P., like in that movie, Ron," Hermione's voice responded.  
  
"Ron!" Harry said excitedly. "You're back to normal!" Harry got up and hugged Ron. "Yes! You're back to normal!"  
  
Ron stared at Harry. He'd bever hugged Ron before. "Or-- maybe he hasn't noticed I'm a boy," Ron said. "By the way, Harry, the back of your hospital suit's open." Hermione buried her face in her hands and turned away.  
  
"Oh, um, ok," Harry said and put on a bathrobe.  
  
He instantly went back to his ludicrous conversation.  
  
"It wasn't real! Maybe it was a dream. And you were there--" Harry pointed to Hermione, who looked back at Harry and put her hands down. "And you!" he pointed to Ron. "And McGonagall-- she was the Wicked Witch of the East Coast--"  
  
Ron and Hermione exchanged looks of sheer confusion.  
  
"--Snape-- he was-- he was all-- makeupy," Harry continued with disgust. "And I think Malfoy fell in love with me, Hagrid was all choppy hippogriffy and short, I mean really REALLY short--"  
  
"I seriously think Harry should stay here another night," Hermione said to Ron.  
  
"--Moaning Myrtle, Ron! She was Marvelous! Marvelous Myrtle! She was tall, and pretty, like REALLY pretty, like beau-ti-ful, Ron, and kind and had a nice--"  
  
Ron wrinkled his nose. "Harry's got the hots for Myrtle. He'd definitely stay here longer!"  
  
Madam Pomfrey noticed Harry out of bed and forced him back in. Harry was still gabbling about his dream thing. Pomfrey shooed Ron and Hermione off and closed the doors to the Hospital Wing.  
  
Which goes to show you the moral is, er, ah.. No, wait for it..  
  
I whisper to the director. "What's the moral??"  
  
The director whispers back. "Why are you writing about us whispering??"  
  
I whisper back to the director. "I don't know."  
  
"Well, er, the moral is.. hang on.. that.. I'm rather nuts and... that..." I suddenly break into song. "Harry and Myrtle, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" I continue singing the stupid song.  
  
Um, if you happen to be reading this now, and have gotten through all nine chapters, and liked them, preferably because they were funny, well, I will write more humorous stuff. Ok?   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
P.S. Did you know that your funny bone elbow thing is called a funny bone because your upper arm bone is the humorous, a latin word?  



	10. Author's Note

AUTHOR'S NOTE  
  
Since the Harry Potter movie came out on November 16th, I just imagined all of the characters in the movie doing all of these strange things and I laughed and laughed (and laughed and laughed and laughed)! Especially on Chapter 2. I like what I did to Snape most of all.  
And to the people who reviewed so far: THANK YOU! You have truly made a difference. I thought I'd get NO reviews at all! Thank you people!! I give away my nummyest cookies and caffeine-infested soda for you!!  
Sooo, you may want to look back at the chapters and picture the people from the movie in the character's places. I DiD. It WaS cOoL.  
  
By the way, yes, I will make another Totally Backwards Day fic, as some of you BEGGED of me in the reviews (don't worry.. I liked it). It will be called "The TOTALLY Backwards day in Hogwarts School RETURNS!" Look out for it! If you're bored, my new "The Stupid Story of Stupidity" is out there in the Harry Potter section under the (duh) Humor category. I WAS SUGAR HIGH!!!   
  
THANKS SO MUCH!! 


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